First 21 Pages

I woke up here in bed
Think I slept for about a week
I look up at the ceiling
How long was I asleep?
Doesn’t matter I say
I have things to do today
Like get oil in my car, go to the bank, and mail a check
Wait I don’t have any money and my car’s a wreck
So I guess I don’t have anything I should be doing now
But it still feels like I have something to do somehow
Can’t remember what it is or what it pertained to
Oh wait I say out loud
No that wasn’t it
Err was it?
I can’t remember now
Oh well I guess it wasn’t important
If it was, I can do it tomorrow
I roll back over and fall asleep
And I have the craziest dream
I dreamt there was this zombie and he wanted me
No, not like that, it was a horror dream
I was being chased and he wanted to eat me
No, not like that, why can’t you grow up
He was going to kill me
Luckily I escaped
Or so I thought, I run right to this cliff
I thought him eating me and thought as if
He approached me limping on his feet
As I jumped over the edge
I thought for sure I was dead then suddenly
I was caught by this giant squid
I was like where did that come from
I must be dreaming I thought
As he spun me around in his ugly giant purple tentacles
And I thought tentacles is such a weird word
They should call them something else that doesn’t sound like testacles
It was quite a spectacle
That is another word that sounds like testacles
Why do I keep saying testacles
There again, it’s testacles
Again with the testacles
No I mean tentacles
The testacles of the squid
Oh that’s funny I meant tentacles that time too
Can you imagine a squid with tentacles
Wait, that one should have been testacles
Anyway what happened next was strange
The squid threw me in the air
It seemed like forever
I saw ducks and geese
One was really pretty I’d say
It looked like a beaver
That didn’t make sense in hindsight, but in the dream it was all okay
I waved to the beaver-goose crossbreed
It didn’t wave back
I thought it was just a jerk
But then I realized it didn’t have hands
That’s still no excuse, he could have nodded or given a look but he seemed to just ignore me
The next time I see that damn beaver I’ll break it’s neck
So I was there still flying and the weirdest thing happened
I could hear ophrah winfrey
It must have been the tv
It was about the right time and I slept with the tv on
But I thought it was the weekend
Do they show oprah on the weekend?
Maybe it wasn’t the weekend
Maybe it was just mid week
Who knows, I was asleep
And I was dreaming and I was thrown from a squid after jumping off a cliff to escape a zombie
So maybe whether oprah is on during the weeked was not my biggest problem
No my biggest problem was the plane I was heading toward
I was still flying
That was one powerful squid
And what a mean thing he did
If not for him I wouldn’t be here
I see the plane
I miss the plane
I keep going but as I pass I look in the window
I saw a movie
BioDome with Pauly Shore
But I keep flying
Damn I wanted to see more
Next thing I know
I am entering space
Oh no, how can I breath here
I go to hold my face
But I am not dying
At least not yet
Instead I am frying
Like in a corvette
I see the sun
It is so bright
Unlike superman
I don’t feel alright
I am getting queasy
This isn’t easy
There is something wrong
And I don’t know what
I am getting strong
Hey how about that?
I guess I am superman
Affected by yellow rays
I got his strength
This is so cool
I feel alright
I try out my heat eyes
They work well
I try out x-ray eyes
Or whatever you call them
It works I look down
I am naked
Totally naked out in space
Oh wait I wasn’t wearing clothes
The xray eyes don’t work
Oh damn I think
That would have made this dream fun
I would have looked at everyone
I try out my microscopic vision
I can’t see anything
It is dark as night
Oh yeah I’m in the middle of space
I don’t have flight
I just realized
I am falling
I’m gonna die
I pass by the plane
And see the movie
I see the credits
I didn’t know joey lauren adams was in that
That is so cool
That even makes her cool
Instead of the squid I see my school
My elementary school
This is not cool
I have on no clothes
Another dream where I’m naked at school
Oh great I think
How very typical
I land hard
And would have died hard
Just like bruce willis
My body was strong and luckily still is
I survive the fall
Not a scratch at all
I am in my class
Way back in fifth grade
No I never took math
I just was passed on through
I was always smart
Instead I took theater arts
But it’s really drama club
Don’t make fun of that, drama club is cool
Much cooler than school
That’s why I took it and I was good
But now I’m stuck in math with numbers
I really hate numbers
Except 13
I really love 13
It’s a prime number ya know?
That means it can’t be evenly divided out
You know what I’m talking about
But I see no 13
I see 1 through 12 then it goes to 14
This isn’t really my day
I look at the classroom
There is a broom closet
I wonder what’s in there
Maybe a broom
Maybe a chair
Maybe a broom with legs that would be funny
Suddenly the door opens
It turns out I was right
No, not about the legged broom thing
It is a lazy boy in there
Not a lazy boy like me but a chair
It starts to move toward me
I get really scared
I try to move but I am glued down to the seat I’m in
Stuck in my seat
Attacked by a chair
I’m not sitting down again
The glue hurts
I wish I had on pants
I start to pull hard
It isn’t working
The chair gets to me and I’m freaking out
I begin to scream
It turns out we taking a test
And I just failed
The teacher asked for silence
Well how was I supposed to know that
I pick up my pencil and strike back
I hit the chair for one damage
It slices me for 34
I can’t take more
I hope the HP’s low
I try my ultra death blow
Hit for 10 damage points
The chair goes down
I have won this
I can’t believe it
I hope the game’s over
But I know it’s not
The teacher starts screaming
It gets really hot
She says I killed her chair
And I’m like oh so what
She says get to the principals’ office
I’m fine you suck
She says don’t take that tone with her
I say I didn’t have a tone
She says she heard a tone
I screamed back I hate you
And she said there I heard it again
I say I can’t move
I’m naked and glued to my seat
She rolls her eyes
She’s like not again
I’m like sorry
She grabs a ruler
She frees me with that ruler
I say thanks
She says get your butt to the principals office
I ask where it is
She says you know where it is
I say no I don’t I fell from the sky naked
And I don’t remember
She rolls her eyes
If you do this one more time I’ll suspend you
I say whatever
She says the principlas office is on the left down the hall
I gather my things
Which is just a pencil and a notebook pad
That’s all I had
I use the pad to cover my ass
I walk through the classroom
I ask a girl for her pants
She gives them to me
I can’t believe she took off her pants in class
Oh she had on another pair
Well isn’t that nice
I ask for her shirt but she calls me a pervert
I slid on her jeans
They don’t fit me
I leave them unbuttoned and walk out
Into the hallway
I look down there like a billion doors
None of them say prinicipal
I’m like oh great
Why can’t anything be easy in a dream
I walk down the hall
And open a door
Inside I see nothing
Just white light
I say this looks like it
And I jump in
Turns out I was right
This is the principals office
Yay for me
I usually am wrong but not this time
I am in the office the white light changes
I see golf clubs
And no way back
The door’s gone
I am stuck here
I see another room
I assume that’s where the principal is
I can just explain
I feel past an airplane
I know it sounds insane
I sat on a gluestain
I hated all this too
I say it as I walk through
I see the principal
And he changes into a dragon
He speaks to me I am the principal
I say no you’re not
You’re a dragon
He’s like no I’m not
I say I can see
He says oh you mean this
He points at his body
I see his scales
He is frightening
I do not like him
He says just sit down
I say ok but I grab one of those golf clubs
Never face a dragon without a three wood
He sits down to talk
He seems like a nice dragon
He says what did you do in math class
I say everything I practiced
He looks like he understands
I am so happy
He says he knows what I have to do
I say yeah I need to wake up
He says oh you think this all a dream
I say isn’t it
He says maybe
Maybe you died in your sleep and this is heaven
That would explain the white light
But not the dragon
And me being naked
And all the falling
This must be hell
He says hell has more fire
I say how do you know
He says I’m a dragon remember
I say oh yeah you would know about fire then
He concurs
He shows me his fire ability and I jump back
He apologizes and I say that’s ok
Don’t let I happen again
I have a golf club
He says it won’t happen again
I trust him for some reason
He’s evil of course but I trust him
I say to him you’re evil aren’t you
He says of course
I’m principal because I hate kids
I think he might be serious
He asks me if I want to go on a trip with him
I think that might be a good idea
I haven’t traveled recently
Well aside from the whole falling thing
Not to mention the odd white light I was engulfed in a few minutes ago
I say where you thinking of going
He said utah
I was like utah? Why utah?
He says they have excellent slurpees there
I say well hell yeah then
I love slurpees
He says me too
And I say what about the school
He says the what
I say the school you idiot
He says oh right the school
Well that’s why we have vice principals
I say you have vice principals so the principal can go on impromptu slurpee runs with delinquent students?
He say yes
I say ‘kay
I can’t drive though my car isn’t working
He says you idiot
I say what
He say he’s a dragon and we’re flying
I say ‘kay
I jump on his back and we fly through the ceiling
I’m flying again
This time on the back of my dragon principal
This dream rocks
We fly and fly and talk about everything
It turns out he knew my sister
Which was strange in hindsight because I don’t have a sister
But he knew her
He was really one hell of a guy
We liked the same tunes, same movies and had the same sense of humor
He was like the dragon me
He landed hard in utah at a 7-11 and we began to walk inside
We stepped on the mats that open the door and he stops
I’m like what
He’s like oh no
I say what
He says I just remembered something
I said what
He said the vice principal
I said yeah
He wasn’t at work today
I said so
He said he needed to go back
I said no slurpees
He said you can still buy some
I said buy
I thought you were paying
I don’t have any money
He said sorry and lifted back up into the sky
I thought why oh why
I was teased
I’m not pleased
There’s no one to call
I don’t know anyone in utah
Maybe that dragon wasn’t so good afterall
But little did I know of the adventure that would greet me next
Mostly because at this point, my alarm clock went off
I had to get up for something
I came back to reality
I could tell it was reality because when I woke up I was floating above my body looking down on myself
Like usual
I figure everyone else looks down on me, I should too
I paid it no mind
Mostly because I didn’t have one
I smashed my alarm clock on the floor into pieces and rolled back over
I had a dragon to catch
I dozed back into dream land
Outside the 7-11
Hit in the head
What the hell
An old wrinkly woman
With an umbrella
It strikes
She shouts
I’m in her way
She has a shopping kart
Outside the 7-11
In utah
Ok I’m refreshed now
I come back she goes to hit me again
I grab the umbrella
I shout at her
She’s like move and I’m like die
She recoils and kicks me in the knee
At the same time
This woman is talented
But not as much as me
I rip the umbrella from her hands and use it as a gun
It shoots bullets into her
She bleeds
Instead of blood though
Out comes slurpee
I am pleased
I got slurpee for free
And what an umbrella
I begin to feed then I hear from behind me hey
I turn and scream get your own nasty old woman
It is a cop
I’m like oh
All I can say is oh
He says there’s something you should know
Drinking slurpee from a dead old woman is against the law here in utah
I don’t respond
He says you have to pay the fine
I say oh again
What’s the fine
The fine that fine umbrella sir
I take umbrage at his demanding my new umbrella but I figure what the hell
I give him the umbrella and he says enjoy
I turn back and the woman is gone
I’m like what
I see a werewolf running off to the woods with my old woman
Nobody steals and eats my old woman but me
I sound like my dad I think
I run off to the woods
I follow the werewolf to a cave
A cave?
Yes a cave
I don’t want to go into a cave
So I don’t I run away
I love how brave I am sometimes
Meh I didn’t like cherry flavored old woman anyway
I was hoping for peach
At this time I realize I need to pee
I should go back to 7-11 and have myself a pee
I run and run but the woods never stop
I come to a bridge
A bridge?
Yes a bridge!
Why do you keep making me repeat myself
I’ve always been scared of bridges but I begin to cross over anyway
Of course I get scared and fall
I die
But luckily I saved before I died so I hit escape and come back to the bridge
I cross safely this time
I turn and mock the bridge for not killing me
It says it will next time
I say oh yeah
It says yeah
I give it the finger and run off further into the woods
It won’t take my life
I always remember to save
I’m really cautious that way
It’s one of the things people notice about me
Along with the fact I really have to pee
That and I often forget to shave
And I don’t always know how to behave
My bladder might explode
Or maybe implode I’m not sure which
The woods never en
I run and run and run
Things are speeding by
I feel like I am moving with light
Faster than a rocketship
I know because I pass by two
They are common in these I woods I guess
I begin to feel like death
Everything suddenly gets dark
A magical genie comes down from the heavens
I think this is strange because I don’t own a lamp
We got light switches installed a few weeks ago
The need wasn’t there
Before that I used candles until I burnt down the house
We rebuilt it and put in the light switches
That was to prevent me from having the ambulance come again
I didn’t know my mom was sleeping in bed
I ran from the house
I survived anyway
There was no one left to help me rebuild except my pet monkey
He wasn’t much help
He spilled the paint several time
Stupid monkey
He also messed up the light switches the first time
He wired it to the tv
I wanted light and I got Donahue
That was a very bad trade off so we had to reinstall it all
So in retrospect don’t ever rebuild your house with a monkey aid
He’ll mess it up
But at least you won’t need lamps
So why do I suddenly have a genie
He says he’ll give me 4 wishes
I say alright I thought it was 3
He says it was but the last guy only used two
I said that’s great
I didn’t know they rolled over like that
He says yeah
It was verizon’s idea to have the rollover wishes
I say wow they have always been pretty innovative
The genie says he knew
That’s why interviewed there in the first place
I said congratulations to the genie
He said for what
I said cause you got a job working for the phone company
He said they passed on him
An orc with a hump in his back got the job instead
He said he always wished he could work there
I said that’s pretty ironic
He being a genie and all
He said that’s what the last guy said
Then he killed him for being insolent
I said oh
All I could say was oh
He’s like you know
You seem like a nice guy
I’ll give your wished now
And keep you alive
I said thanks
He said what do you want
I said number one
I wanted a toilet here in this place
I pointed to the ground in front of me
He said as you wish
And it suddenly appeared
I thought wow this genie’s pretty good
I use it and relieve myself
I say oh I feel better
The genie says you’re not going to wash your hands
I sai dI would
But you didn’t give me a sink
He said I didn’t ask for a sink
I only asked for a toilet
We had a good laugh and he made wish for a sink as well
So much for getting my free wish
Well at least I’ll be clean and ready to make my second wish
Well really third but you know what I mean
Do you know what I mean
I think you do
The genie asked he he knew what he thinks
I said no and I don’t want another sink
He said not that
In fact
I shouldn’t have wished for that
I said ok
What are thinking then
He said well I have this friend
I said no way
You’re not getting a girlfriend
He asked why and I said because I only have two wishes left
He seemed unhappy with this
But there was nothing I could do
I knew what I wanted with these 2
I wanted a nice big roll covered in sesame seeds
And a nice slab of butter to cover it in
He said fine
He gave me it and I ate it up
It was so good I almost died
He said you’re out of wishes now
I said no way
I still have to wish for a million dollars, world peace and unlimited wishes
He said tough luck
I said how come
He said that roll and butter counted as two
I said no fair
E said he doesn’t make the rules
If I had a complaint I could call verizon’s help line
I said I don’t have a phone
He said they could help me with that too
He had to leave now and find someone else to grant wishes to
He poofed of in a puff of smoke
Well how do you like that
I got a genie and lost him just like that
When I get to a phone I’m so calling verizon
They have made me so mad
I think I’ll get a lawyer
I’ll make him litigate
On my behalf
Get me some money
I may ask for a billion
But I’ll settle for half
I’d give a large portion to charity of course
Maybe a dollar
That amounts high to me
But oh well it’s a good cause I think
I start walking
And walking
And walking some more
Still walking
Can’t stop walking
I come up to a golf course
I can play the holes
I wanted to finally use this golf club I’m still holding
I purchase a ball
Ten dollars!
Well there goes that money for charity
I take it out on the lawn
I swing and my club goes right it
Through the ball
It’s not hard at all
Nor is it corporeal
It’s an astral ball
Naturally I think
I try to pick it up to brink it back but I can’t
I walk back to the service desk and say my ball won’t go
He said it was an astral ball
Amazingly the same word I used
I asked if he had a corporeal ball
He said he didn’t know that word
I say corporeal
I hit my arm and say see that’s corporeal
He says they don’t have any arm balls
He looks at me like a freak
I say stop yanking my chain
And give me a ball that I can hit
He what seems to be the problem sir
I say my ball!
He doesn’t get it
My club goes through my ball when I swing
He says oh
You don’t want an astral ball
I say no
He says well why didn’t you just say so
I give up
Sorry I say
Just give me another one ok
A non astral one please
He gives me a new ball
That was easier than I though
Would you like a club he asks
We have astral clubs that hit astral balls
I say sure give me one of those
He says he can’t
I ask why
He says they don’t the astral hands that can pick them up
He asks if I have astral hands
I say I used to
He says oh
Again he looks at me like a freak
I don’t like this man
He’s got a huge mustache and wears a Detroit tigers hat
I think he might be Magnum P.I.
I ask him where his Hawaiian shirt is
He says what
I guess it wasn’t him after all
Oh well
At this time a balding british man comes and serves him a drink
I think nothing of it and head back out with my new and improved corporeal ball
I set it down next to the astral ball and swing away
The ball goes straight up in the air over a hundred miles
It reaches mars in minutes
It hits mars, bounces once and rolls right up next to the cup
Nice shot I hear from the crowd
Suddenly I am playing in front of millions of people
It’s like the PGA tour
I titl my head to them
Suddenly I have a hat
Where did that come from
I shrug it off
I look up at mars and lift myself off the ground
I fly to mars and tap the ball into the hole
I hear nothing
No applause
Oh right this counts as space and in space no one can hear you scream
And in addition to that it’s golf
No one really ever gets excited about golf in the first place
I play 17 more holes like this scoring 2 under par
I am really good
I guess all the cheating is really helping me
I am about to tap it in on the 18th hole when the hole begins to move around
The flag goes up and down really fast and I see a bouncing hamburger on the other side
I hit the ball off the ketchup bottle and see it squirt into the air
I just miss the angel
And a giant fan blows my ball the other way
This golf is zany I think to my self
Where else can you play golf like this
Oh right I think to myself
How silly of me
So the hamburger comes down on my ball and throws it of from the hole
That would been a nice shot
The balls flies through the air and a blue hand reaches up and swallows it
The ball that is, not the hand
But come to think of it his hand did go into his mouth too
I’m not very sure what to think
Golf balls are a sometimes food
I hear laughter and children in the distance
What is going on here
The blue handed monster screams loudly and runs off
Why can’t I finish anything easily I think
I even made it though all nine planets
I am corrected that in fact there are only 8 planets and I roll my eyes
Stupid nasa I think
It’s all nasa’s fault I am here playing golf chasing a blue handed monster for my ball
Not again
He stops at a village and runs around like an idiot
Ah yes the village idiot
That makes sense now
He runs around in circles for a minute and falls down
I scream hey wait!
Everyone in the village looks at me
He swallowed my golf ball
I’m about win the PGA and I need it back
I open his mouth as I come up to him
I slowly reach my hand down through the stench that is his breath
It smells like chocolate chips
With a slight mixture of bananas and feet
Where has this guy been eating I wonder

That’s all I hear is wait!
It’s a judge from the PGA
If you don’t play it where is lies, we will penalize you
I don’t want a penalty
If I don’t win this tournament, my grandma will be beaten up
I don’t want that
Ok fine
I retract my arm from his stomach and let go of the ball
I take me banana/feet/chocolate smelling hand and wrap it around my club handle
With only one arm I swing back and follow through
I hit the unconscious monster with my club and he rockets out of the town
I hear cheering
Somewhere a village is missing their idiot
They cheer more
They couldn’t be happier
Neither could I think as I look up
The monster lays strung out next to the cup
And just as I think I have no luck
The monster burps and the ball comes out
It rolls and stops at the rim
I win I hear the second place golfer say
He is so smug
He jumps up in the air and goes to claim his jacket
As he lands though the ball tilts over and falls
It’s in
I have won
I’m so going to Disney world
I’m bringing this monster with me too so I can lock him up
The second place golfer is mad at me
He screams no fair
He runs at me golf club in hand
He’s swinging in the air frantically
I see the hole move again and stop under his feet
He falls through into another dimension where he now is astral as well
He’s imprisioned for all time there and I watch the hole lift its self from the ground
Without a sound it spins off into space
Again everyone cheers
The monster comes to and looks around
He think people are cheering for him
He tries to get up but collapses back down
He has a smile on his face from the cheering
He’s not mad anymore I hit him with my club
He’s proud to have been part of this amazing dream
As am i
And I know it’s only just begun
I pick up the trophy I have won
I throw my ball down and whack it
Then I try on my new jacket
It fits
Finally I am not topless
But unfortunately the monster is
He burps again and the whole crowd dies except for me
The golf course crinkles up and disappears into thin air
Now the whole course is astral
So that’s what did it
The check I was supposed to have won
Is gone as well and the PGA is done
It’s me and the monster
So what do you want to do now he asks
I was thinking Disney world I tell him
You in?
Disney world?
That’s where they lock us right
He’s right of course and I can’t lie to him
I do anyway
I convince it’s a safe place to be for a blue handed monster
He believes me and he’s the cutest little thing as I leave him locked in a cell
I laugh at him while he cries
I tell him not to worry
He’ll make friends fast in a place like that
I laugh again
I thank mr. Disney for his help and he thanks me back
He wanted a new subject for his tortures
I say well good it all worked out then
Suddenly the door slams open
It’s people with signs
Oh my gosh
The whip out their guns and start shooting
I guess they had plans for us
I jump out of the window
The bullets fly past me
As I wet my pants
Oh well
They didn’t fit anyway
I’ll get a new pair from someone I hope
I see a lake and I jump in hide
They run up behind me
I do my best impression of a frog and they don’t notice it’s me
I repeat over and over I am a frog
I am a frog
I even hope up on a lily pad
One person in the crowd says I think that frog is him
They say are you nuts
We’re PETA
We don’t get tricked by frog impressions
I think of how stupid they are
A real frog comes up next to me
I think I was making it’s mating call
I can tell by the look in it’s eye
The frog has its way with me
Now look at that
Do you still think that’s a frog now
He says no I guess I was wrong
I am way too undercover here
I scream the hell away from me you damn frog
PETA all look at me
I look back
I quickly say I am a frog and they turn away
I am relieved
The guy who knows I am a human say again
I think that’s him
They say maybe you’re right
They turn and shoot their bullets
Oh no I think
I’m dead
I close my eyes
I hear the bullets stop
I’m still alive
I open my eyes
The horny frog is shot
They loaded him up with lead
Shot him right in the head
I say so long randy
I guess his name was randy for obvious reasons
PETA looks at me
They say we got him
You can go back to swimming you little frog
I say I am a frog
They say they know
I say thanks for shooting him
He liked me a little too much
They say you’re welcome frog
They turn and start to go
I ask them where you going
They said they had to liberate some sea turtles in Arizona
I say that sounds like you
They say to me to be happy
If I see any other misuses of power against animals
To give them a call
They’ll come in half an hour
And they’ll shoot them all
I say sounds good bu one thing
They say what do you want
I say do any of you have a pair of pants
Mine got all wet
They ask from when I jumped in the lake
I say uh oh yeah that’s it
They look at me
I say I am a fog
They say we know you’re a frog
We’ve already established that
I say frogs deserve dry pants, right
They just look at me
Wet pants are a misuse of power against animals
Give me your pants
They consider it for a second
They all take off their pants
I jump out of the lake and I look through
There is one guy in the back who isn’t naked
I say are you a 32
He says no I’m not a 32
I say you look like a 32
I say what you got against frogs buddy
He says nothing
He says I don’t think you’re a frog
I turn in fear to the rest of PETA
I say he said I wasn’t a frog
Are you gonna let him talk to a frog like that
That is such a misuse of power against the frog
They all say we know the truth
They all raise their guns
I can see it in their eyes
They’re gonna kill me
Again I close my eyes
I hear the triggers pull
But again I don’t feel anything
I don’t think I am dead
I open my eyes and I see him on the ground
They killed the guy
I look at them
You all are crazy I say
We will do anything to protect the frog
You can have his pants
I say you got blood on them
They say they’ll pay for dry cleaning
And I can have the other pants
Pass them out to the frogs
I said thank you
They said you’re welcome and remember our offer
If I see misuse of power they’ll come right over
Ok I’ll remember that
I say goodbye
They say goodbye frog
I say one last thing
They say what
I say I am not a frog and I run off through the bullets
I laugh to myself
At least I got new pants
These fit me better too
But that guy was telling the truth
He wasn’t a 32

2 thoughts on “First 21 Pages

  1. Having read this I thought it was really enlightening. I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this article together. I once again find myself spending a lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

  2. A motivating discussion is definitely worth comment. I do believe that you ought to write more on this subject matter, it may not be a taboo matter but usually people do not discuss such topics. To the next! All the best!!

Leave a Reply