Secret Identity

My question: why do superheroes seek another identity to fight evil? Does this mean that maintaining an identity of constant prey is needed or required?

Dear Anonymous Reader,

Superheroes, huh? I have always been against that word. Why is it the one putting in the time scheming to hurt those around him always the bad guy? Don’t I deserve to be called a hero? Without me, the local fire department would be completely useless. Do I ever get a thank you? No.

I give back to the community all the time and employ upwards of ten people. They don’t get paid of course and they always want to jump ship and work for that lazy unoriginal guy that works inside the volcano, but it’s still good work and with our economy, they should be proud to have jobs. And the benefits are great to work for me, too. Most days, I won’t subject them intentional paper cuts for my entertainment and I almost never feed any of them to the polar bears anymore. It’s a good life. So, who’s the real superhero here? Well, I think I have firmly established an answer to that question.

But to answer your question, I suppose “superheroes” such as myself give themselves alter egos for one reason. So when evil people like The Spanish Conquistador come to attack our loved ones, they won’t know who they are. It’s why I never needed a secret identity. I haven’t had any loved ones in a very long time. Sure, I’ve been married several times, but what does marriage have to do with love?

But you do bring up a good point of my nemesis The Spanish Conquistador being the constant prey. I couldn’t have phrased it better myself. He’s the chipmunk to my cat, the fly to my newspaper, the humidifier to my dehumidifier. He needs to be stopped and I am the only one to do it. I have wondered if the adventurer has put time into an alias, but I can’t imagine he would bother. He’s kind of lazy and unmotivated. That just seems out of his character. Or is that what he wants me to think? Hmmm, I must explore this further…

I can say that I, myself, would never think of having a secret identity. My mother would not put up with it. She made me Milton E. Gludlum and I’ve been stuck with it ever since. That’s why I went into being an evil genius because with the credentials, one gets to replace their first name with Professor and Professor Gludlum is the kind of name that makes people shake in their sleep in terror. Even I’m afraid of the name I must admit. When I awake frightened and there is no one there to console me, (which for some reason is every night) it takes me hours to get the image of myself out of my head so I can go back to sleep. It’s true. I considered going Amish once just so people wouldn’t ever take my picture. Check out my Facebook profile sometime, Unnamed Reader. You’ll see it’s just a picture of my bowler hat. How’s that for a disguise?

So is an alter ego required to be my archenemy? Absolutely not. I’m looking to hurt everyone equally. Being someone else won’t protect you. But that’s just me.

Milton E. Gludlum

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