Going Away To College

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Dear Professor Gludlum,

I’m about to go to college–quite a shock for me, as you can imagine.  I’m finding myself very, vastly, frighteningly, incredibly unprepared for this life-changing experience.  Can you perhaps give me some advice on how to prep myself?  (It is especially difficult for me to decide what to pack.)

Sincerely yours,
Me
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Dear Me,

I can honestly say you are not alone in the shock of you going to college. Why, my own dear mother herself, thought even I would not make it as a career criminal. She wanted me to go into the family business of rearing children, but alas, I felt the job not worthy of my many talents and accolades.

I headed down south to Villain Prep and felt much like yourself, frightened and unprepared. It was not a part of my life I am particularly proud of, unlike my time creating genetically altered squirrels or promiscuous polar bears. But during my time between being home-schooled by my mother and her partner and going away to college, I felt very much alone. I had arrived on campus and found a very horrifying realization awaiting me. Compassion. Not from me of course, no. Toward me. I had envisioned a place on Earth where I would fit in and be welcomed into the dark hearts of everyone around me, but that reality just didn’t exist. Here, instead, people still felt for their fellow man, woman and worse of all, child.

How was I to cope in this kind (of an) environment? By this time, I had it in me to test out of many of my evil classes, but I wanted the shared sense of comradery to build my views of destruction and hatred. After all, what fun is planning a crime if afterward, there is no partner to figuratively and literally stab in the back?

So, I chose to look at it this way. College is about expanding your horizons and exposing yourself to new thoughts and ideals, so it was up to me to embrace these inferiors. Even though they were different than me and shared a different view of the world, they could, in time, become above average minions.

So, that’s what I did. I worked alongside people who cared in a time in my life when I wanted nothing less. I put up with my abhorrence toward them and eventually, I was able to take those feelings and make something positive out of all of it. For some reason, the local authorities did not see the positivity of my machinations, but I knew with the spirit I carried with me, I could then do anything.

To me, that was a great time of self-discovery for me and I think it’s the perfect story to subjugate your fears of matriculation. You may feel frightened by the unknown as I did, but if you can find a way to reevaluate bad situations and make them into good situations with a change of perspective, you can fully succeed as I did at Villain Prep.

Good luck to you,
Professor Gludlum

P.S. As for what to pack, anything semi-automatic and/or laser powered should do the trick. Worked for me.

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