Cheating Student

Dear Prof.,

I have a midterm coming up and I have a slight problem…I won’t pass. The reason, I‘ve cheated on the last few exams and the person I’ve cheated off of has dropped the class. What do I do?

Failure Student

Dear Pup. (as in pupil but I shortened itlike you did with prof… ah forget it it… no one gets me…),

Ah yes, the story as old as matriculation. I’ve yet to become so jaded, I can’t spare time for the old standby question. Same exact thing happened to me years back. I was going along well enough in my animal experimentation lecture (or was it the lab?) and my partner suddenly stopped showing up for class. I had no idea why. I had always liked her and the fact she dropped off the face of the planet was a total mystery to me. Or at least that’s what I told the police.

My advice is do what I did back in those days. I studied really hard and passed the test on my own. That way once you pass, you’ll know the whole time you had what it takes to succeed at anything you put your mind to. You’ll learn a valuable lesson and the beginning credits will roll and you’ll hear that cheesy 80’s music along with pictures from the episode of actors who haven’t worked in 25 years due to being typed cast or fatal drug overdoses.

No, that’s not what I did. And don’t say you won’t pass because the ONE way you had to cheat was taken away from you. There are many, many more. The clever one of wearing a hat to the test is a classic of course, but maybe we can work together and come up with something better. I could develop a drug for flamingos that makes them run rampant and bust down the door to your class and deliver a copy of the answers that I had installed in a fake nasal passage. That’s the kind of thinking you’ll need to come up with in order to make it through this class. Remember, like my plan, simplicity is key to not being detected. Like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects a drug-induced rampant flamingo with a fake nasal passage.

So, that’s what you do. You’ll be guaranteed to pass. That or bring your teacher an apple Snow White style. That works too.

Hitting the books,
Professor Gludlum

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