Bags on Buses

Dr. Gludlum,

I was on a public bus minding my own business just me and my tote bag when nervy people got on and off requesting I move my bag so that they could sit. Couldn’t they see that my bag was using the seat? Trying to be nice I let my bag sit on my lap, but my bag felt his or her rights were violated and left a stain on my clothes. I have to agree with my bag. Bags do have rights. They are not people so I need not to purchase a seat for it. But shouldn’t bags be seated just like anyone or anything else? I need to know if I was being a wuss or just being nice.


Well listen here Jene,

I would first like to apologize for not being able to tell you if you were being a wuss or just being nice. I fail to see how the two are mutually exclusive. Or at all distinctive of one another.

As for the question of proper manners on public transportation however, I consider myself a bit of a self-taught expert. I have been on and eventually banned from many public buses in my time and I have to say I completely agree with you. Bag rights are something which I am extremely interested in more and more with each passing regime that steps up to discriminate against our totes. The litmus test we must all apply here is a simple one. Should we be forcing or bags onto our own laps and risking life and limb for them OR shall we allow them the freedom to sit and not just in the back of the bus in the cargo hole? I think when we look at it this way, the answer is clear.

Bags do a lot of things for us. They carry with us our food necessary for survival. They hold our needles and weapons to use against The Spanish Conquistador. They even once held my makeup when I mistakably got that job near the docks. They are a finicky group of specimens, for sure.

Throughout my life, I have carried a bag and for good reason. My first day at Villain Prep, I remember my mother waiting with me at the bus stop. This was long before I was the soft, satiated man who writes this column for the masses. My mother properly loaded up my knapsack with all the essentials. Juicebox, snackpack, and the obligatory marshmallow and guacamole sandwich. Ah that sandwich! Oh, how I loved thee. I was properly equipped to rule school and I did so with an iron fist. I never would have had the requisite confidence if not the fact I had my little piece of home within the contents of that loving knapsack.

To say I’m nostalgic of those early days at Villain Prep would be a grave understatement. For months, it was just my knapsack and my bowler hat. Perhaps that explains the weird looks all those years. I felt, though, I was dressed for style and was heavily rewarded for it. There was one fateful day, a classmate of mine tried to rip that knapsack off my shoulder on my way to Bloody Hall. This was and still is unacceptable to me. It was at that point, I learned that bag, along with several others I would find in the trash that day, would actually also conceal a classmate. Very useful! It’s a lesson I hold until this very day.

So Jene, for these many reasons, I approve of your request to further bag rights and all henceforth legislation you are proposing. Consider this signature number one.

Professor Gludlum

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