Aspiring Super Villain


Dr. G,
What advice do you have for an aspiring super villain?
Pat Sycamore

Dear Mr. (or Mrs. or Ms. if you are one of those old unmarried women) Sycamore,

First off, calling me Dr. G makes me sound like I, too am straight outta – insert hometown here. It’s Professor Gludlum or if I know you really, really well, you may even survive calling me Beezlebub. Old college nickname. Long story. If I don’t know you very well, your odds do not look good. Go ahead. Pull the lever.

Here’s what you do. Wait until there is a major crime spree in your area. Some killer bee problem or something that directs the law to it. With them all distracted with the bees, you start your sneak attack. Go out and commit all these horrible crimes. If you need ideas, I, from experience, highly recommend injecting the human race with polar bear DNA or growing your own pink bananas for illegal distribution in The Democratic Republic of Congo. But if you steal those plans, you will have me as a competitor. No one wants me as a competitor. My last competitor was Enron. We all remember how that ended.

So, you commit all these horrible crimes and they are on to you. Would normally be a huge problem, right? This is where the ingenuity of the plan comes through. Three words. Blame the bees. You didn’t steal the copy of King Kong vs. Godzilla after smashing through Blockbuster with a tank. The bees did. You didn’t hijack that bus full of squirrels. The bees did. You didn’t make counterfeit Post-it notes. You get the idea.

It doesn’t matter that it isn’t true. It only matters that you say it. A lot. People don’t believe the truth anymore. They believe what they hear the most. If you meet anyone that disagrees with that, tell ‘em again.

This worked for me so long ago. Should work for you too. If you run into any problems and you tell them where you got the idea, try living long enough to testify. The super in front of villain in my character description is there for a reason.

Cheerfully yours,
Professor Gludlum

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