dear professor glutton,

im starting a fellowship under my wife and am wondering how you would handle the situation. im more then a little nervous about there being friction.

sam welmington

Dear Sam,

Clearly with your spelling and grammar skills, you don’t have to worry about any fellowship being a problem for long. And Professor Glutton? Seriously? Just because I had two cans of Pringles today doesn’t give you the right to harass me like this. I shouldn’t even bother wasting my time with you. I’m only doing so to appease my anger management coach. This counts as my exercise in tolerance for the day. After this, it’s back to plotting to kill you-know-who. That’s allowed because doing so actually calms me and is good for the soul. Until it burns of course.

Okay, okay… on with your mundane problem… First off, if I were under your wife, there most certainly would be friction. Booya.

So, with the obvious crass sexual inference out of the way, let me say working with a spouse can actually be quite a good exercise in tolerance. It’s healthy to express oneself in an open, helpful and yes, let’s face it, critical way. I do so with the Unnamed Assistant all the time. Why, just today, I wanted to drop a car on him and instead I only roughed him up a little. That’s compromise. And that’s important for all long lasting relationships.

It’s also extremely important to be tactful when, and more importantly in your case where, you choose to express yourself. If you want to call her a bitch for example, I suggest doing so at home as opposed to work. If you do so during work hours, communicate this only to her coworkers if possible. That way, your job is not in jeopardy and everyone can continue on as if you really loved her. If it gets back to her that you used such language against her and she fires you, then you are legally protected as you have the quick and easy sexual harassment lawsuit. Do not underestimate these. They work wonders and the threat of litigation can pretty much ensure you tenure in your position for a long time. Why do you think I’m still a Professor?

Hope these suggestions make your position a little easier with your wife. It certainly worked for me. With my position. With your wife. Last night.

See you in court,
Professor Gludlum

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