Episode 6

Spanish Conquistador Episode 6


The following is based on a true story that may or may not have actually happened.


Narrator: The Spanish Conquistador. Episode 6: The One After Episode 5.


The only character to wrestle raging bulls with no effort at all. His adventures follow him through peril and distress and that is no bull. Heh heh. That never gets old…

We last left the Spanish Conquistador as he was rushing to pack his bags and the Unnamed Assailant had just gone back into the closet. They have a quest out in front of them of untoward importance. A quest so unbelievable, so wickedly unexpected, so completely the opposite of mundane, that it could only be told in this, a very special episode of The Spanish Conquistador. When you really think of it though, aren’t they all special? What is this amazing task you ask picked solely for our two luminaries of their time? They have to walk over to a castle. Sounds lackluster I know, but the reason for their visit is to procure information from the consort of a king regarding the whereabouts of Professor Gludlum. Yes, that Professor Gludlum.

Speaking of Gludlum, as you no doubt remember from last time, he has revealed his new plot against the Spanish Conquistador and it involves Bi-polar Bears. They have been the topic of much discussion around here and we’re all on the edge of our seat to see what their role is in this keen plot. Personally, I miss the Super Squirrels. Bi-Polar Bears, sheesh. It’ll only be another couple episodes before this show’s villains will be the jumping sharks. Actually that’s not a bad idea. Let me write that one down. We could do a beach house episode, get a trip to Maui and I could see that Hula Girl again. That would be a great episode for sweeps, no wait, even bettershark week. Yes! Now we just need to have the Unnamed Assailant learn how to water-ski. And there you have it; we already met our quota for jokes about the Unnamed Assailant in a bikini. That’s got to be a record.

The Unnamed Assailant throws said red-stripped bikini back into his suitcase and he and the Spanish Conquistador finally head out on their quest to bring down Gludlum once and for all. They have no evidence that the evil teacher has done anything wrong, but come on – he is professor Gludlum and no doubt currently is doing something evil and overly complicated. It is Gludlum and his new assistant we now join.


UA2: We need you to sign these forms, Professor.


Gludlum: Forms? What are these forms for?


UA2: They are liability forms in case these Bi-polar bears hurt any of us. Our insurance company has told us you have to sign them.


Gludlum: I’m not signing any liability forms. Get out of my face.


UA2: But Professor, we did some research on polar bears and know how territorial they can be. We are all a little scared and took out huge life insurance policies.


Gludlum: Well for one, these polar bears are not ordinary polar bears. They are Bi. The one thing I learned from the squirrels is how much like rabbits they could be and how quickly a small army could spread beyond my control. Through doubling their potential mating partners, my belief is this will reduce the odds of reproduction by half. That makes a lot less bears to worry about and the type of thing only I would ever think of. It’s why I am I and you are you. Also, making them bi also obviously lowers their bloodlust.


UA2: Yes, obviously. Gludlum, you continue to amaze me.


Gludlum: Likewise, Unnamed Assistant, but of me.


UA2: One thing though, I thought they had bipolar disorder and that was why you we named them Bi-Polar Bears..


Gludlum: Oh they have that too. I’m very happy I was able to achieve both and so are they. Half the time anyway.


UA2: You are indeed a twisted man, Professor. Wouldn’t a name like Bi-Bipolar Polar bears be more suiting then?


Gludlum: That name is too long. You never want a villain name to be too long.


UA2: But Professor-


Gludlum: Shut up! Also, when I called them Bi-Bipolar Bears in front of the crew, they started making fun of my stutter. No one makes fun of that, g-g-got it?


UA2: Yes, Gludlum. I would never make fun of you to your face.


Gludlum: Likewise, Drone.


Narrator: As Gludlum says this, he doesn’t notice the Unnamed Assistant place a “Lick Me” sign on his back. It wasn’t The Unnamed Assistant that made the bears bi, but he’d be damned not have some fun with it. Gludlum never notices anything anyway. I bet people slept during his class all the time and the ones who didn’t made fun of him with laser pointers. Speaking of outdated and annoying novelty gags, the Unnamed Assailant elsewhere guides the Spanish Conquistador down a very familiar looking side street.


SC: Do you have any idea where you’re going Unnamed Assailant?


UA: I sure do, Conquistador. We’re going to the castle of the Queen Beta Squirrel. And you thought I don’t pay attention to you. If you only knew, Conquistador. If you only knew.


SC: I don’t think we’re on the right path. Isn’t there supposed to be a yellow brick road or trail of breadcrumbs or squirrel droppings or something? All we’ve seen so far was that bum and that is not the yellow brick road I was referring to. Which way does the map say we need to go?


UA: Map, Conquistador? Oh that’s great! There’s a map. I was picking the turns by which way smelled better. If there’s anything I’ve noticed in my extensive time with queens is that they always smell good.


Narrator: Behave, listening audience.


SC: Then why did you make us go past that bum, Unnamed Assailant?


UA: Trust me. That bum was the right choice.


SC: So, you didn’t bring the map with you, then?


UA: I didn’t know there was a map.


SC: Ok, ok, ok… I looked at it and I’m taking charge now. Get behind me.


Narrator: The Unnamed Assailant obliges… to no one’s surprise.


SC: I think I remember the way. It can’t be that hard to find. Her castle is the highest point in all the land. I remember that because the King Alpha Squirrel used to say he was from the castle in the clouds. Ironic that to find the underground castle, we have to head up, isn’t it, Unnamed Assailant?


UA: Did you say clouds, Conquistador?


SC: Yes, I did.


UA: How high are we going? I’m terribly afraid of heights.


SC: You’re terribly afraid of sesame seeds Unnamed Assailant.


UA: Only certain brands, Conquistador. Please forgive me if I pass out from fear.


SC: Forgive you? I should be so lucky.


Narrator: As the Spanish Conquistador says this, he sees the obvious solution to his problem.


SC: Look Unnamed Assailant, a sesame seed!


UA: Oh no, what kind is it?


SC: Uh, uh, uh… what kind are you afraid of?


UA: Only the white ones.


SC: It’s a bunch of white ones, Unnamed Assailant! We’re being attacked!


UA: Oh no, oh no! AHHHHHH!!!!


Narrator: The Unnamed Assailant drops to the ground unconscious after a full panic attack lasting over ten minutes. The Spanish Conquistador would have helped him, but he was laughing too hard.


SC: You dumb bastard, Unnamed Assailant. At least now I finally get some peace and quiet. Now to head uphill to the castle in the clouds. I hope I don’t have to carry the Unnamed Assailant up a beanstalk or anything. That would be less than pleasant.


Narrator: The Spanish Conquistador scoops up the Unnamed Assailant in his arms yet again and trudges up with him over his shoulder. The two continue uphill for what seems like days. They make their way past their favorite burger joint and pretzel shop and continue onto the path less traveled. The other one went to the local strip club and this one ascended up the side of a giant mountain. You can see why one would choose the other. Especially on Mondays when they offer free breasts from their buffet from five to seven. After which, they are a dollar each and there is a limit of two.

Up, up and away into the clouds the conquistador rises and just as he breaks past the tree line and can’t seem to fathom walking another step, he collapses into the snow. He feels the cold enter into him and thinks suddenly that death and revenge are apparently both served cold. He will be too if he doesn’t find a way to survive.


SC: I really should have packed a jacket.


Narrator: It’s at this moment the idea enters his mind like an icicle falling from a rooftop. He smacks the unconscious body of the Unnamed Assailant and wakens him. He summons all his strength and raises his arms and spreads his legs.


SC: Just follow along, Unnamed Assailant. It’ll keep us alive.


UA: Okay Conquistador. If you say so.


Narrator: It’s at this moment the two begin quickly making snow angels in the snow. They generate enough friction doing so and raise their core body temperatures to actually melt the snow around them and create a little oasis for themselves. This thusly makes the temperature quite pleasant for a long enough time to make it through the night… What? You were expecting something else?

The next morning, after a cuddle for survival in the snow like a cliché episode of every sitcom ever, they are awakened by an unfamiliar voice. Upon hearing the dastardliness of the words it spoke, both our protagonists again receive a chill to their very cores.


Princess: The penalty for being here on our property is death.


Narrator: The two push their dreams of the conquistador aside and jump to their feet to face their executioner. That’s right, another random encounter of violence for these guys. Or is it random?

In honor of this very special episode of The Spanish Conquistador, we’d like to announce that this episode, even as we speak, has already won “The Kid in a Cape Prize for Outstanding Excellence in Spanish Conquistador Episode Six-ness”. We did know we were nominated, but figured as always, the award would go to the team over at Waiting For Lunch Productions for The Mangler. The Kid in a Cape Prize is an award given by Kid in a Cape Productions, the company that produces and pays for The Spanish Conquistador.


SC: This is the Spanish Conquistador. In my very unbiased opinion, I’m proud to be a fan of Kid in a Cape Productions on Facebook and frequent commenter in their forums at Kidinacape.com. Be sure to check out their other media such as Professor Gludlum’s Advice Column For The Criminally Insane. It’s so good, it’s crazy. Kidinacape.com. There, Ian, I said it, now give me my damn money…


Ian: We’re still on…


SC: (clears throat) I’m the Spanish Conquistador and I approved this message.

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