Episode 5 (Click to hear)
The Spanish Conquistador
“Bi-Polar Bears pt. 1”
Written and Performed By
Narrator: A new time has come in the life of the Spanish Conquistador, The only character to change the course of mighty ducks and to wrestle Raging Bull with no effort at all. Wait, I thought he was a boxer. His adventures follow him through peril and distress and that is no Raging Bull.
Things with the Spanish Conquistador have changed much since we last heard from him. He started his own convention which I cleverly suggested be called SpanCon, but the Unnamed Assailant made many jokes of that stating the Spanish Conquistador needed a spankin’. Hmm…
Instead, it was called “Come Meet the Unnamed Assailant and that Other Guy.” The Spanish Conquistador was quite upset to learn you-know-who had already filled in the paperwork and sent it in. We still can’t figure out how he got the money for the stamp.
As expected by me and other winners in the office pool, the convention went horribly. They even ended up losing money in a pyramid scheme. Well it technically wasn’t a pyramid scheme, more of one of those weekend getaways in which they force you to buy something, but because the getaway was to Giza, the Unnamed Assailant wrongly titled the trip and couldn’t be dissuaded otherwise. They’ve been back now for a few days and refuse to talk about what happened while they were there. I wasn’t there myself, but I can tell from the tan lines in the shape of a bikini on the Unnamed Assailant’s body, things were certainly interesting.
Also busy in this time, Professor Gludlum. He’s since stopped fabricating tiny rodents to gnaw at our feet. He felt it immoral to continue his testing on them. They were just too cute even for his evil soul, so he freed them in a very touching moment of humanity. It wasn’t his fault that without their continual genetic enhancements, most of them died shortly thereafter. But even that wasn’t enough to stop him, he quickly rushed into a new plan for defeating the Spanish Conquistador and is working on it now.
Gludlum: How are the experiments going Igor?
Assistant: I’ve told you over and over again, Gludlum. My name isn’t Igor.
Gludlum: And I’ve told you over and over again that I don’t care. I have to call you something. It’s not my fault you won’t tell me your name.
Assistant: I won’t tell you my name because I don’t want the Alliance to know I’m working for you. The Union of Henchmen Assistants is on strike and I must keep my work here under the absolute most secretive conditions. And I trust you the least of anyone, so I will not be revealing my name to you.
Gludlum: I don’t care what the UHA has to say about it. Remain anonymous if you like, but I’ve got to call you something. You can’t have a character going around being unnamed.
Assistant: That’s precisely what I am suggesting, Gludlum. Just refer to me as “Unnamed Assistant.”
Gludlum: I like it, yet I believe that will cause confusion. But I’ll let it go for now. I can’t imagine it causing any problems. But alas, on to more pressing matters, how are the experiments coming? The Conquistador has returned from Egypt and we must pounce on him while he’s distracted unpacking. We sent him on this trip to keep him away while we finalized our experiments. Now he’s back. Tell me we’re in our final stages.
Assistant: We’re very close, Gludlum. Our first test on the two creatures will be done this episode. I promise.
Gludlum: Good! That’s what I like to hear Unnamed Assistant. We mustn’t have a repeat of the Super Squirrels.
Assistant: I do believe we are in the clear on that on.
Gludlum: Good, we better be. Victory shall come to us this time. Now get back to work! Time is of the essence!
Assistant: I have another few minutes left on my break, Professor.
Gludlum: Oh excuse me then. Oh don’t forget to punch back in this time either. I had to fix your stubs last time and it cut into my time for plotting. Anyway, enjoy your break.
Narrator: As the monstrous inhumane experiments were reaching completion, so too was the emptying of the Spanish Conquistador’s suitcase.
SC: I only have one shirt left to hang up, Unnamed Assailant! Dare I say I am winning in our race to fill the closet? …Unnamed Assailant?
UA: I am in the closet Conquistador. I thought if I unpacked in here, I could win and I have! My unpacking is done!
SC: You cheated! It’s against the rules. Now come out of the closet.
UA: I will when I’m ready, Conquistador!
SC: Come on now! Out! Out! Out!
Narrator: As the Spanish Conquistador outted the Unnamed Assailant a thought crossed his mind. He wondered of the happenings of Professor Gludlum. He hadn’t gone this long without being attacked by disciples of his. In an odd way, he missed those battles.
SC: Unnamed Assailant, what do you think Professor Gludlum has been doing while we were gone? I was kind of surprised, considering we left the house under the care of the Narrator that it was still here when we got back. I thought for sure he’d have leveled this place if he knew we were away.
UA: Good question, Conquistador. I was surprised, myself. Maybe the Narrator was just better at defending the homestead than we would have guessed.
SC: Impossible! We better check with him to see if there were any problems.
Narrator: And check with me they did. I was naturally offended of the accusation that I couldn’t protect the manor while they were gone. They still don’t understand I hear what they say during the scenes and were quite confused when I brought it up. I eventually broke down and told them Gludlum had in fact called while they away. They asked of others calls and I admitted to the one adult hotline I also called. I saw them process those facts and quickly dismiss them before returning to my interrogation. They wanted me to divulge what information I had on Professor Gludlum from my narration of him, but I knew if I told them of his affairs, I could kiss that weekly check from the professor goodbye forever.
SC: I think we should stop in on the evildoer.
UA: Conquistador, just because she works for an adult hotline and has kids doesn’t make her an evildoer.
SC: I meant Professor Gludlum, you spastic dolt! We should check in on Professor Gludlum.
UA: Oh how can we do that? We don’t know where his underground castle is.
SC: No but we know someone who does. The Queen Beta Squirrel!
UA: Who is that?
SC: You stupid git! Don’t you remember anything? She’s the one in charge of the kingdom where Gludlum trains his minions. And she’s in a network of castle owners! She’d have to know how to locate the underground one. I’m sure that information is even in the newsletter!
UA: And if she doesn’t we could still stay for free in a castle.
SC: Exactly, Unnamed Assailant. Now, go get back in the closet. We have much packing to do and with this one shirt, I’m again winning the race!
Narrator: The Unnamed Assailant quickly enters back into the closet in order to get his queen clothes. That is, the clothes he intends to wear when again greeting the queen. At the very same time, Professor Gludlum is preparing his belongings for travel as well. He knows after seeing the test results on his newest fierce abominations, he will be forced to train them.
UA2: Professor Gludlum… Professor Gludlum…
Gludlum: Yes, Unnamed Assistant?
UA2: Our tests are done. We think you’ll be very pleased.
Gludlum: Take me immediately to the lab. Let me see your results.
UA2: Yes, Gludlum. Right away, Gludlum. Let me punch back in and I will escort you.
Gludlum: Now, Unnamed Assistant. My patience is wearing as thin as the ice you are currently on with me.
UA2: I don’t understand what that means, but it sounds scary, so let’s go.
Narrator: The Unnamed Assistant guides Professor Gludlum through a series of eerily lit hallways where the shadows alone would cause instant insanity to any person not already there. Long story short, these hallways are scary.
Gludlum: These hallways are scary.
Narrator: See? Told you.
UA2: If anything happens, I promise I’ll protect you, Professor.
Gludlum: And if anything happens to you, I promise I’ll make it quick.
Narrator: The two continue down through the corridors. A few of the walls are painted and I personally would have chosen more of an evil color than Bluejay, but I was told that was chosen to add a sense of irony to the scene. Oh well, I blame bad set design. That’s always such a problem in audio comedies.
They come upon a series of steel double doors that open and give way to an immense lab, also painted Bluejay, which contrasted quite well to the hard steel look of the rest of it. Professor Gludlum enters the room, surveys it and looks confused. He then remembers his failsafe, he had installed. He glides over to his panic button. He presses it and looks on as a metal cage opens.
UA2: Professor Gludlum: I give to you… your Bi-polar Bears.
Narrator: Yes, kids. Bi-polar bears. They are here! Get your action figures now. In stores everywhere that carries and has them in stock! While you’re buying those for yourself, be extra sure to look for the extra special brand new Unnamed Assailant Bobbleheads with their own oversized head much like the real Unnamed Assailant and special Unnamed Assistant versions of the typical red Swingline Stapler. Now your Swingline stapler can be your own unnamed assistant because these special editions are made with no logo on them. Isn’t that exciting, kids? Buy both in the same transaction and get an extra free pack of staples! Limit one per customer while supplies last.