Episode 4 (Click to hear)
“Super Squirrels: The Final Chapter”
Narrator: For the single person who has yet to listen to and memorize every episode of the Spanish Conquistador, I will now catch you up. The Spanish Conquistador is a Spanish man. Hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
Now on with the show…!
The time is finally here for The Spanish Conquistador! (Yay!) The only character to wrestle raging bulls with no effort at all. His randomly dispersed adventures follow him through peril and distress and that’s no bull. (Hehe…)
With the Spanish Conquistador wounded and at the mercy of the King Alpha Squirrel, he fears for the worst.
Spanish Conquistador: I fear for the worst.
The Narrator: The Unnamed Assailant, still without even a back-story of why he’s even here in the first place, has an idea.
The Unnamed Assailant: I have an idea Conquistador!
Narrator: With his last and only ounce of courage The Unnamed Assailant swoops in and picks up the Spanish Conquistador in his arms as jumps clear of the King Alpha’s Squirrel final blow. He looks the Conquistador in the eyes and they share a moment. In the mean time, The King Alpha squirrel winds up another punch and charges at the duo.
The Unnamed Assailant: Conquistador, there is something I have to say… I, I, I love…
The Spanish Conquistador: Run, you lousy, good for nothing, prick! We must get out of here. Quick!
The Unnamed Assailant: I love your poetry.
Narrator: The Unnamed Assailant was too caught up in the moment and caught a fist to the face knocking him unconscious and the Spanish Conquistador into the air. The Spanish Conquistador hurled his body into the air and hit the ground running through his pain. He saw his moment of relief and was going to be sure to make the best of it. As he made it a few feet away, he could feel an acorn graze his face at an incredibly high velocity. He quickly stops running and turns back to see the King Alpha Squirrel with a custom-made acorn gun.
The Spanish Conquistador: You’re really starting to piss me off.
Narrator: Without a word, the Spanish Conquistador charges forward toward the King Alpha Squirrel with all his might and plows through shoving him aside before he can reload. Our hero enters back to the scene and grabs The Unnamed Assailant’s body, which remains unconscious, and throws him over his shoulder.
The Spanish Conquistador: You want a war with me King Alpha Squirrel? You’ve got one. I will not tolerate your kind any longer. I know your kingdom is falling apart and you are not around to protect it. I will enter your castle and flood it with fox urine. Do not take this threat lightly. I am serious. You may be tough and well trained, but I have something you do not, courage. I do not need custom made weapons to dispose of you; I can do it with my own two hands… and feet.
Narrator: And with his feet he again charges toward the King Alpha Squirrel, this time kicking him in his nuts. The Spanish Conquistador laughs to himself at the irony of kicking a giant squirrel in its nuts and watches the King Alpha Squirrel fall to the ground, defeated.
The Spanish Conquistador: Dare I say you are feeling the misery of d’ feet?
Narrator: The Spanish Conquistador revels in his own genius of one-liners and fails to notice the rumbling in the bushes around him. A female squirrel was waiting through the entire battle to see the result. She approaches the Spanish Conquistador from behind very slowly. Without making a sound, she whips around to the front of our hero, scaring him and forcing him to very soon after change his pants.
The Spanish Conquistador: Ahhh! Who the hell are you?!?
Queen Beta Squirrel: I am Queen Beta Squirrel. I have come to collect my husband. I plead with you; do not harm him any further.
The Spanish Conquistador: Well that would explain the crown, but certainly not the shoes. Anyway, your husband tried to kill me along with an army of-
Queen Beta Squirrel: Ever Elusive Seemingly Rabid Genetically Enhanced Ultra Unfriendly Super Squirrels?
The Spanish Conquistador: You know of them?
Queen Beta Squirrel: Yes, I know the Double E, S, R, E, Double U, Double S’s.
The Spanish Conquistador: Wait, there is no W.
Queen Beta Squirrel: I said Double U, as in two U’s you peasant.
The Spanish Conquistador: Oh. Ultra Unfriendly Super Squirrels. Got it.
Queen Beta Squirrel: And they’re not really squirrels, either.
The Spanish Conquistador: What do you mean?
Queen Beta Squirrel: They are just pumped up super chipmunks disguised as squirrels.
The Spanish Conquistador: Oh I see, but then you must be-
Queen Alpha Squirrel: Only I, and my husband are real squirrels here. Now I must take him and heal his nuts for him.
The Spanish Conquistador: I’m sure he will like that.
Narrator: The Queen Beta Squirrel throws her husband, the King Alpha Squirrel over her shoulder.
Queen Beta Squirrel: Now we are both holding onto someone who loves us.
The Spanish Conquistador: No, no… The Unnamed Assailant and I are only friends. I mean, sure, we slept together once, but nothing happened.
Queen Beta Squirrel: Well then I’m sure that’s what happened then.
The Spanish Conquistador: It is!
Queen Beta Squirrel: I’m sure. Anyway, I need to get my husband back to his kingdom. It was interesting meeting you. Goodbye.
Narrator: The Queen Beta Squirrel turns to walk away with her husband.
The Spanish Conquistador: Wait, how do you know so much about Dr. Gludlum’s army of rodents?
Queen Beta Squirrel: The mad doctor trains all his allies in our kingdom.
The Spanish Conquistador: Well, I may have to pay you a visit sometime.
Queen Beta Squirrel: Please do. We have so many empty beds in our castle.
Narrator: With that, the Queen Beta Squirrel walks off into the distance as the Spanish Conquistador watches on…
The Unnamed Assailant: Who was that?
The Spanish Conquistador: Geez, how long have you been conscious?
The Unnamed Assailant: Only a few minutes.
The Spanish Conquistador: Why didn’t you say anything?
The Unnamed Assailant: I liked you holding me.
The Spanish Conquistador: Well, walk on your own two feet then.
Narrator: The Spanish Conquistador throws down the Unnamed Assailant into the ground with a thud.
The Unnamed Assailant: Ow! Wow, so this was a pretty cool day. Killer squirrels, killer chipmunks, a king, a queen… It was like that one Indie film I saw once. Did you see that one?
The Spanish Conquistador: No, I don’t like subtitles.
The Unnamed Assailant: Oh, so what do we do now?
Narrator: As the Spanish Conquistador thinks of his next step in his ongoing fight for what is right, he realizes that, for the moment, all is fine in his world until the next danger comes to threaten his life or what he stands for and that pressure comes, he will be ready.
The Unnamed Assailant: And so will I.
Narrator: And so will The Unnamed Assailant.
The Unnamed Assailant: Can I have my own spin off show?
Narrator: No. Listen in next time as a new villain rises on The Spanish Conquistador. And now a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Spanish Conquistador…
The Spanish Conquistador: Despite what my show will have you believe, squirrels are not evil. Well, not all of them anyway. They actually are one of the more friendly animals on this planet. Also, they do not even have an established government of any kind, much less a monarchy system. They are furry cuddly creatures that deserved to be loved, but if you see one, don’t feed it, it could rip off your arm. Thank you and continue to listen to me, The Spanish Conquistador, same Spanish time, same Spanish Channel. Goodnight.